“I’ll tell you, Timmy, when I was a boy, things were different. And when I was a Boy Scout, we didn’t get no merit badges for tree hugging or political correctness. Why, I used to carry my rifle to school every day–ten miles out and ten miles back, in all kinds of weather. Just so’s I could attend after-school target practice in the school basement. That’s how I got my merit badge!”
“Really, Grandpa? You brought your gun to school every day? Wow! Uh... what were you afraid of, Grandpa?”
“Me and my pals weren’t afraid of nothing, Timmy. ‘Cept maybe them crazy Girl Scouts and their poisoned cookies. My mother warned me about them. She’d always say, ‘You stay away from the girls. And don’t never touch their cookies!’ And that’s good advice for you, too, Timmy.”
“Well... Grandpa... I kind of like their cookies. But tell me about bringing your gun to school in the olden days. They really let you? Did you have to hide it?”
“Ha, ha... of course they let us bring our guns to school. And no, we didn’t have to hide them. It was the best of times. Ike was president way back then. You just had to like Ike. Yup, those were good times. We’d just saved the world from fascism and Asians and, I think, the French. But commies were everywhere–even in the government and the Rotary Club. So everybody was expected to have a gun, and every boy was expected to learn how to use a gun.”
“Wow, Grandpa, that sounds exciting! But wasn’t it a burden lugging a big old rifle around all the time–in all kinds of weather? Wouldn’t a handgun have been more convenient?”
“No, no, Timmy, it was no trouble at all. Of course, I always did carry my grandpa’s old Police Positive pistol stuck under my belt–y’know a Boy Scout is always prepared–but a boy can have a whole lot of fun with his big gun in his hands. On the way to school every morning, my pals and me would pass the time with a little good, clean fun. Yup, just target shooting at road signs and mailboxes. And we’d take down any gosh darned varmints we came across: rats, squirrels, birds, stray dogs and cats, cows–whatever.”
“Did... did you ever shoot one of them crazy Girl Scouts, Grandpa?”
“Oh, no, no, no, Timmy! Shot at them, but....”
“Wow, Grandpa, I sure wish I’d lived in those days!”
“Well, son, I think I have some good news for you.”
“Oh, hi, Dad. I didn’t hear you come in. Grandpa and I were just talking about....”
“I know, son, I overheard you. But that’s enough talk for now about the “good old days” under President Ike. GW is the president now. It’s a new day, and we’ve got a new way.”
“Huh?”
“Timmy, as your father, I am always concerned with your best interests. That’s why I took time out of my very busy schedule to attend last night’s meeting of the PTA–Parents for a Totalitarian Administration. Mr. Cross presided.”
“Oh, yah, Timmy, I think they’re the ones that do the annual paper and pyro drive.”
“Yes... thank you, Dad. If I could just finish talking to my own son.”
“Mmmm.... I’ve still got that Police Positive.”
“Anyway... Timmy, after Mr. Cross was elected to the school committee and then took control of the whole system–after declaring martial law due to the commie inspired, pre-school, nap-time riots... anyway, Mr. Cross has initiated a whole bunch of inspired, new, patriotic programs.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Mr. Cross understands the problems youngsters in school face today. Heck, they’re afraid to even go to school, with sex predators on every corner and bullies waiting for them in the school yards. And in the classroom, how do you offset the anger of a fellow pupil? How do you prevent a teacher who is wigging out from harming the students?”
“I don’t know, Dad.”
“Well, I’m going to tell you, Timmy. Mr. Cross has it all worked out... and it’s brilliant! Using his vast authority as Governor General of the School District, he’s going to provide all school children with learner’s permits... for gun licenses! That means each child with a permit will be able to buy his or her weapon of choice, from Mr. Cross’ gun shop (‘family owned and family friendly, since 1909’) at a whopping discount!”
“Wow!”
“Yes, ‘wow,’ Timmy. And the best part, you’ll all carry your guns to school with you, every day. That should put the hurt on some of those predators–and maybe slow down some of those school yard bullies, too.”
“I’m finally proud of your generation, son.”
“Thanks, Dad. And Timmy, I’ve got the new uniform you’ll have to wear to school. There’s a brown shirt with insignia, and slacks and....”
“A school uniform, aw, Dad!”
“You have to wear the uniform to participate in the program. It’s like a club. Mr. Cross has designated it as the “Junior Bush-Whackers.” He wants to garner government recognition and financial support, so he can take his program nationwide. I think he’s got a winner.”
“But Dad... not all the kids know how to shoot a gun.”
“Not to worry, Timmy. All the bases are covered. There will be programs offered in school–every day–to teach you and all your little friends about the safe handling and maintenance of firearms. It will be expensive... so don’t expect to see the art, music or gym teachers around, for awhile. As a matter of fact, Timmy, you’ll be seeing a whole lot of your old dad and his hunting buddies around the school. We’re going to teach you kids gun safety and self-protection–and maybe fast draw, we’ll see. But we’ve got a great program lined up. We introduce the concepts and fundamentals during pre-school cap gun seminars–with cowboy fun-time. Then the kindergarten kids will learn to take aim, instinctively, and hit the target every time, with their pellet guns–of course there’ll be paint-ball during recess, when the weather’s good. Grades one through six will gradually work their way up through the calibers, from .22 through .38. Along with safety, they’ll learn how to be discreet. Even the girls will find that hideaways can make a fashion statement. And when it comes to semi-auto pistols, well... them spare clips can be tucked away just about anywhere. God, I’d love to see the face on some perp who tries to accost one of our little schoolgirls–just before he goes down for the final count!
“And don’t think the older kids are going to get bored, either. From seventh grade on, they’ll be working through the magnums–from smaller bore to larger–and calibers from .44 to .50 plus! I tell you... I wish I were a kid, again. Anyway, our program will take you right up to adulthood. We all know how upperclassmen feel the need to be superior to their juniors. So we’ll have a special program for young adults. We haven’t decided what to call it yet... maybe “Senior Bush-Whackers,” or “Bush-Senior Whackers,” or just “Senior-Whackers”–maybe “Eagle-Whackers” or just plain “Whackers,” I don’t know. But if the government does get involved in this program, the kids will have to take a lot of tough math, science and physics programs to handle the kind of hardware I’m talking about. I’ll tell you!”
“Wow, Dad! I don’t know what to say, but... wow!”
“‘Wow,’ Timmy? How about ‘WOOW?’ We’re On Our Way, to a better, safer, freer America! And Timmy, when you put on your new uniform to return to school, tomorrow, I’ve got a little something for you to put in your pocket. Here you go, son, my old Walther PPK.”
“Gee, Dad, it’s a Walther!”
“Just... don’t tell your mother.”
Not to be reproduced or otherwise used without the express permission of the Author.
~~
Yes, Friends, They Are Out There.
They move among us--the intellectually unaware. But do not mock them. Some day the microphone man may come for you!!
Many, many years ago, Steve Allen--in a never-ending quest to amuse and entertain the American public--invented the "Man On The Street" skit. Exceptional writers and talented comedians laboured to create the comic illusion of everday citizens responding awkwardly and foolishly to rather mundane questions. Later (perhaps lazier, perhaps more insightful) pioneers such as Jay Leno discovered the great cost savings and comedy benefits of merely allowing people to be themselves. Once again, Reality trumps Art when the comedy equation depends on the human factor.
So enjoy this Vid, my friends. But do not mock--lest the microphone man cometh for YOU!
~~
Okay, Okay. Something Just For You Pet People
(You know who you are)
~~
And What If MTV Had Survived
Into The 21st Century?
(This is what you'd be watching and listening to, today)
~~
Disciplining Baby: Why and How
(aka, I love Sophie and Sebastian)
And when it's time to Recreate
AS ALWAYS, THANKS FOR STOPPING BY!
SJS